Let’s face it, sex is supposed to be fun. There’s a lot involved in sex that can be part of the fun but getting to the big O is usually everyone’s favorite part. The rest is just the good stuff that gets us to the end of the journey. So, when you can’t have an orgasm it can be frustrating and confusing. Especially if you’re really enjoying everything leading up to what should be an earth-shattering orgasm.
There are a lot of reasons someone might not be able to have an orgasm. None of those reasons mean you are doing anything wrong or that anything is wrong with your bedroom skills. Sometimes it just is a matter of figuring out what the deal is and how to fix the issue so you can get back to fully enjoying a healthy sex life.
Why Can’t I Have An Orgasm?
First of all, if you’re asking yourself this question you need to take a deep breath and realize this is normal for a lot of women. You are not alone and you aren’t doing anything wrong. Some women have never had an orgasm at all, and some suddenly find that their orgasm is “missing” after years of having great sexual experiences. Both of these situations are entirely normal.
The reason you can’t have an orgasm right now could be due to a huge variety of factors. Things like stress, medications, or even sexual techniques all play their part in having an orgasm. Or even how great that orgasm feels. So the first step to problem-solving your lack of an orgasm is to understand that this is not an indication that you are doing anything wrong. There are solutions and you can figure this out.
You’ll need to think about the things going on in your life right now. Are you stressed about a lot of different things? Are there big changes coming up that have you worried? Even if you aren’t thinking about those things in the moment, it can still affect your sex life. Worries like that can stay in the back of your mind, sort of like static on an old TV.
So How Do I Start Having Orgasms?
If stress is the issue, take a moment before you start having fun in the bedroom. Take some deep cleansing breaths. You may have to teach yourself to actively focus on having fun. You can try training your brain to actively think about how pleasurable something feels. The more you focus on how good something feels, the less time your brain has to wander to those stressful thoughts and feelings.
It might feel a little odd at first to teach yourself to think “this feels good” instead of just letting your mind wander. That’s ok, the end result will be worth feeling a little weird about it at first. Just remember this technique takes practice. It might not work the first time. If you’re someone who often multitasks, this could be especially tough for you to do. Don’t be hard on yourself. Remember that other parts of sex can feel good and be fun too.
What If Stress Isn’t The Issue?
Sometimes stress just isn’t the cause of all of our problems, and that includes not being able to have an orgasm. There could be a physical reason you aren’t orgasming as well. And that’s ok. There are solutions for things like physical issues as well. Some of them may require talking to your doctor but some of them are things you can do on your own.
The first thing to think about is making sure you are relaxing too much. Sometimes when women hear that they need to relax to have an orgasm they mistake the advice for meaning they need to relax their entire body. While some relaxation is a good idea, your muscles tensing up plays a huge part in your ability to have a good orgasm.
Think about the muscles you use to stop your urine stream. Those muscles are the same ones you want to tense up when you’re having sex. A more formal name for that purposeful action is Kegels, and they can change your entire sex life. It just takes some practice.
The next time you have some fun on your own, think about those muscles. Tighten them as you explore different ways to stimulate your clit, nipples, or vagina. Try tightening and releasing the muscles over and over again while you do this. It’s highly likely you’re going to find that this action makes whatever you’re doing feel amazing. Often this tension is the key to having an orgasm, and it’s the one a lot of women didn’t know they were missing.
What Medications Can Affect An Orgasm?
This is a very valid question to ask but the true answer is one only your doctor can help you figure out. Medications like anti-depressants are known for causing issues with orgasming but that doesn’t mean you should jump to conclusions. You also definitely shouldn’t stop taking any medications without talking to your doctor first.
If you truly think your medications are the culprit here, it’s time to make an appointment with your doctor. You can speak to your primary care doctor or your gyno about this issue. Either of them will have the advice you need, but a gyno might have a different take on your sex life than your primary care doctor so keep that in mind. Their advice is usually more focused on your sexual health and they may have a few more suggestions to give.
If you’re struggling to have an orgasm just remember that you aren’t alone in this. A lot of women deal with this issue. As hard as it is, try not to stress out about it. Stress is only going to make the situation worse. Enjoy as much as you can about sex and then try the techniques you learned here. If absolutely nothing is helping, don’t forget it might be time to talk to your doctor.
They’ll want to help and they can have some great suggestions. You are not doomed to never have an orgasm and hate sex forever. This situation will get resolved and you’ll be able to enjoy sex again. Be patient, enjoy the process, and you’ll be back to enjoying a great orgasm in no time.
Sarah Nelson is a nurse with 15 years of experience working with a variety of patients. She has a Masters of Science in Nursing and has spent a large portion of her career working exclusively with women in an OB/GYN setting.
Nursing is a passion for Sarah but she also enjoys writing and sharing her expertise online with people who need helpful information. Treating patients well and helping them learn more about their own bodies is a key essential to a healthy lifestyle that Sarah truly believes in.